Does It Count..

Does it count as a thought about death if I want to just fall asleep & not wake up forrrrr..a while? 🙈


Love is Louder

    Love is Louder than..

.. the stress from day to day.
.. the quick & frequent mood changes.
.. the want & urge to self harm.
.. the memories the scars hold.
.. the disappointment.
.. the nightmares.
.. the negativity.
.. the comparisons I make between myself & others.
.. the hurt I allow myself to feel.
.. the thoughts I have that keep me down, allow me to remain unhappy, & urge me to stay stagnant.
.. the depression.
.. the past.
.. who I think I am.
.. the thoughts that I’m not good enough.
.. the opinions of others that cut deeper than they realize.

Love is louder than a lot of things. Love is louder than the doubt, the depression, the sadness that I’ve felt overcome with in the present & the past. Love is louder than the idea that my future may remain negative. There are choices to be made. The future will remain unknown. But I know that love will trump anything. There is a realness in love that cannot be found in negativity, in depression, in harmful words, thoughts, or actions. Love will win. Love has taught me what other things haven’t.
Stress is not an excuse. It will be hard. It will always be something to overcome. It will be something I need to talk about. But love is louder. If nothing else, I have her love. I have love from my family, though they may know nothing about my situation. There is love. There will be love.


This morning she sent me a picture that she posted online from her way into work. God, she looked gorgeous. She always looks gorgeous…but it felt like I hadn’t seen her in months. It’s been 3 weeks, which is the shortest period of time that I can remember ever saying “it’s been ___ long since I saw her.” before that, I hadn’t seen her for over a year. Things get tough, but that woman is my rock. I remember when we used to say “Roc” like the song. That was in the beginning when everything was adorable and cutesy and romantic. Things are more realistic these days. I can’t say I complain about that. I’ve grown to enjoy the fact that we have to disagree, fight, be away from each other & think about the real future before we can think about fantasy “this is what I want…in a perfect world…we should run away and..” kind of future.

I’ve learned a lot about her over the years I’ve known her. More importantly, I’ve learned a lot about myself AND I’ve learned a lot about who I can be when I’m with her. It probably is easy to guess that what I want to say following that statement is that I’m better when I’m with her. But really, that’s true.

I sleep better when I’m next to her. I feel happier when I know she’s coming home to me. I don’t have the same kind of stress when I’m visiting her, & the stress I do have she helps me get through better than I help myself when I’m alone. She’s gotten me through the hardest times in my life the past few years. I can’t replace her and what she’s done for me: I never would want to, either. If I could have it my way, we would spend forever together.

I know we have a lot to work on and work out and discuss before we can make any kind of the serious moves we’ve talked about briefly. I just always have a high hope in the back of my mind that things work in favor of that direction and we can forge a path together, finally. She isn’t the kind of girl you let leave your life and she definitely isn’t someone you just let go of without a fight or another 5,000 chances and tries and attempts. Not that we are currently struggling through anything terrible. I don’t think she is in a position where she wants to leave, but sometimes I do remind myself that it is possible. I want to be the best for her, if it’s possible. I know that we have real feelings between each other & that our bond is special. The distance makes is difficult, though, so I wonder often what things would be like for us if we were closer. You know?