She.

This morning she sent me a picture that she posted online from her way into work. God, she looked gorgeous. She always looks gorgeous…but it felt like I hadn’t seen her in months. It’s been 3 weeks, which is the shortest period of time that I can remember ever saying “it’s been ___ long since I saw her.” before that, I hadn’t seen her for over a year. Things get tough, but that woman is my rock. I remember when we used to say “Roc” like the song. That was in the beginning when everything was adorable and cutesy and romantic. Things are more realistic these days. I can’t say I complain about that. I’ve grown to enjoy the fact that we have to disagree, fight, be away from each other & think about the real future before we can think about fantasy “this is what I want…in a perfect world…we should run away and..” kind of future.

I’ve learned a lot about her over the years I’ve known her. More importantly, I’ve learned a lot about myself AND I’ve learned a lot about who I can be when I’m with her. It probably is easy to guess that what I want to say following that statement is that I’m better when I’m with her. But really, that’s true.

I sleep better when I’m next to her. I feel happier when I know she’s coming home to me. I don’t have the same kind of stress when I’m visiting her, & the stress I do have she helps me get through better than I help myself when I’m alone. She’s gotten me through the hardest times in my life the past few years. I can’t replace her and what she’s done for me: I never would want to, either. If I could have it my way, we would spend forever together.

I know we have a lot to work on and work out and discuss before we can make any kind of the serious moves we’ve talked about briefly. I just always have a high hope in the back of my mind that things work in favor of that direction and we can forge a path together, finally. She isn’t the kind of girl you let leave your life and she definitely isn’t someone you just let go of without a fight or another 5,000 chances and tries and attempts. Not that we are currently struggling through anything terrible. I don’t think she is in a position where she wants to leave, but sometimes I do remind myself that it is possible. I want to be the best for her, if it’s possible. I know that we have real feelings between each other & that our bond is special. The distance makes is difficult, though, so I wonder often what things would be like for us if we were closer. You know?

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The First In Months

This is a blank page. And I have nothing to say. A painfully honest statement to describe the majority of my days lately. I haven’t been able or willing to pick up a pen or crunch some keys in weeks…months, really…even though it’s the only thing I’ve constantly been thinking about. All I can think is that “writing this feeling will help me out so much. writing will help me clearly see what I’m thinking and separate my ideas and I’ll feel some peace of mind again.” BUT the reality is that I can’t even settle my mind enough to begin writing anything out – so forget explaining!

Currently: I’m at work. This is the most stressful place I know of or step foot in lately. I’d give anything to walk out of here this afternoon and never have to come back. Painful reality: I’ve got bills. College loans, a credit card someone thought would be a good idea, and gas to get. I know, gas isn’t really a bill, but it should be; I spend more on that a week than anything.

I’m typing right now simply because I like the way these keys click. I’m looking over my shoulder at the parking lot to watch for anyone coming into the building and just to see what’s out there. I really do like October. And let’s be real – typing without looking at the keyboard will never NOT make me feel like a bad ass. I’m 10 , what can I say?